My in-laws live in Bulgaria (i'm from the US) and we are visiting them with our 5-yr old daughter. I have a rule for my daughter that I don't want her ever to be left alone with a man (other than dad or grandpa) because of the frightening statistics. 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused. Because my mother-in-law was going to be taking care of my daughter for a while, i unfortunately, had to let her know that i would not feel comfortable for my daughter to be left alone with my brother-in-law. I made it very clear to her. We even had a fight about it because she was upset with me for saying that. Anyway, she ended up completely disregarding my rule, and left my daughter alone with the uncle. Let me explain, i will make no exceptions to this rule, and i don't care about sparing feelings when it comes to my daughter's well-being. Yes i could play it nice and make sure no one gets offended; but then there's that 1 in 3 chance that i'm not willing to take! Because of my vigilance, my daughter will not end up a statistic! Anyway, when i found out that my daughter had been left alone with the uncle, i was very upset and i confronted my mother and father-in-law. I asked my mother-in-law if i had not made myself clear to her. She just laughed and shook her head, like she couldn't believe i was upset. We have to stay in separate apartments because there's not enuf room for everyone here. My daughter sleeps with the grandparents in their bed, it's pretty crowded here. So anyway after the confrontation i went to my apartment to get away fro the awkwardness. My husband came and yelled at me that his parents now hate me and they are very insulted and how dare i not allow our daughter to be left alone with the uncle. His parents are saying that it's only in America that this kind of sexual perversion could ever happen. and i guess i'm just a stupid overreacting American! So now i can't show my face around them and they all hate me. my husband too. What can i do?
Parenting - 15 Answers
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1 :
Maybe you should of met him and explained your feelings as you said that your daughters safty comes first and, if she even hints that uncle@@@ had her sit on his lap there is going to be hell to pay that even may be the way to get back in thier graces??? best of luck what is there no guys from the USA that you could date? {only kidding}
2 :
If it were a family friend I could understand your reaction, but your daughters uncle? Does he have a criminal history? Any reason to suspect he would harm your child?You definitely over-reacted, and if I was your husband I would be upset and offended. You need to calm down, and apologize to your in-laws.
3 :
Go apologize. Seriously? Dad or Grandpa only? There's 2 of the usual 3 suspects. You aren't protecting her, you're just making a ninny out of yourself. You can't wrap her in bubble wrap. You have to let her live. What purpose did you serve by insulting your in-laws? Do you really think they'd hurt her? If so, why did you go to visit? I would never take my son to visit anyone that I couldn't/didn't trust. Saves time and trouble that way. I'm a woman, a mother, and an American, and I have to say, if you came to my house, to visit my family and myself, I'd be highly insulted if you insinuated my husband was a child molester, much less my son. What did you expect?? I'm just guessing here, but you never plan to let her play with other children? Go to school? Play team sports? Those are your real molesters. Older children, teachers, counselors, and coaches. Those are the real threats to your children. And the chances are slim. A better chance at protecting your daughter from molestation would be, to teach her the difference between "good touch, bad touch" and how to scream!
4 :
So, let me get this straight- You are willing to leave her alone with her father, or her grandpa, but just not her uncle or any other man? Let me just tell you that as far as statistics go, The father and the grandpa are just as likely to molest your daughter. Don't get me wrong here, I'm certainly not saying they WILL. I am just saying, if statistics are what you are worried about, then you shouldn't leave her alone with ANY man, because the father and grandpa are no "safer" than uncle. My mother was raped by her own father for years. I have a very close friend who was molested by her grandfather when she was only 6 or 7 years old. And those are just my own personal stories I can tell you. But you hear about it on the news all the time. You have to find it in yourself to trust people. I'm sure her uncle would never hurt her, just like I'm sure her father and grandpa never would either... But to make a judgment call like the one you have made in this situation is way out of line. That's the point I'm trying to get across to you. Also, you are teaching your daughter from an early age that men (even family members) are not to be trusted alone with her. I'm sure that could have stronger psychological effects than you imagine, in the long run.
5 :
I completely agree with Ista!!!!!
6 :
basically you have run face first into a culture clash and their rather insulting comment is that it is cos you have this filth in your minds in your country that this situation has arisen. You are perfectly entitled to be as safe as possible about your daugher as it is better to be safe than sorry but the question then arises about where you draw the line and that you then seem to be insulting and distrusting people - and as a general rule women feel entirely entitled to suspect and make it clear that they suspect men. Ever since the toilets were rearranged in our cafe so that the male and female toilets are side by side and you emerge into a little cubicle for washing hands, one finds oneself side by side with a woman and there is awkwardness and distrust in the air - on both sides. We had more or less the same situation in our family. When my niece was born, i offered to babysit as my sister - in- law was tired and with some reluctance she and my brother left the house to go to the pub - baby was on my lap and i turned the light out to shield the baby's eyes - at this point she returned and was suspicious as to why the light was turned out. Subsequently, it is alleged, that my bro told my parents that my sis-in-law didn't want me in the house - my bro denies this but the resentment over this lingers to this day some 26 years on. So, what to make out of all this? - i don't see any reason at all why you should trust your baby with anyone as nature has put this protective instinct in you. That's on the one hand - on the other hand, women get this idea into their heads that they have an instinct about people - in my particular case, I am very nervous around people and it was this that triggered the protective instincts of my sis- in- law, who is a very devoted parent. I don't trust anyone to do anything and if I was a woman i wouldn't trust anyone with my baby but now I am repeating myself and going round in circles. For my own part, I find a completely illogical pain in the arse and this whole problem of them being self conscious about their bodies is a religious invention - ever since the time my sister reached pubery and then had to have her own room while us three boys were in crammed into one room men have to put up with their nonsense. But men are cursed by testosterone and child abuse is rife - you are the mother and you gave a very clear directive which they then proceeded to ignore - your husband should respect and back up your decision and this is yet another warning bout marrying across boundaries. Stick to your guns and explain that it is nothing personal against your bro-in-law. As to my own opinion, i wouldn't have any woman inside my front door on account of all this type of bullshit. I ahve no interest whatsoever in what any woman has to say apart from the £50 I pay to a prostitute every fortnight. But I was trained by my mother never to disrespect women and to offer any necessary protection.
7 :
There's not a single man in my family (and I have a big family) that would commit such an atrosity. My sons (there are also stats for boys too) would be missing out a great deal if I never let them be alone with the members of my family.
8 :
You have a problem with all men other than dad or grandpa? What makes it so unlikely that dad or grandpa could make your daughter a statistic? Lots of girls are abused by their fathers and grandfathers, it's not just uncles. The 1-in-3 statistic I find very hard to believe anyway, but did you have any inclination that her uncle may be a paedophile at all? I mean, I'd be pretty offended too if my daughter-in-law told me that on the one hand, it's ok for my grandchild to sleep in the same bed as me and my husband, but on the other can't be left in the same room as my son incase he molests her. From her perspective it seems as though you suspect her uncle of being a child molestor, and why? Because 1-in-3 girls are molested? If you don't trust these people you shouldn't be visiting and letting her sleep in the same bed as your in-laws. Your logic just seems so flawed to me.
9 :
Silly rule or not... they disrespected *you* not the other way around. You are her mother and your rules should be followed for her raising. *That* is what your husband should back you up on. I would try to make *that* the one and only issue in this discussion... because if they will ignore you on this they will ignore you on just about anything. Frankly... I wouldn't allow my child to be alone with *them* again if they had disregarded my rules for my child in this way. That said... the point many have made here is *so* valid. You don't know grandpa any better than you do the uncle. If you feel safe with him... then you you should feel just as safe with the uncle. (My extended family has some abuse in the past as well... and it was daddy/grandpa.) So... I would admit that the rule itself may have been overboard but I would *try* to get hubby to see the *real* point: That *you* are greatly insulted that they ignored your roll as her parent. Then *he* should defend that point to *his* family. If he will not... then you should try to get them to see that point... again admitting that you may have been overboard on the rule. However, it was *your place* and your husband's to make the rules for your child... and they had *no right* to disregard them. *They* should be the ones worried about having insulted someone. Not you! ETA: I find it interesting how many people seem to think that it is fine for others to decide the rules we set as parents are 'silly' and ignore them. If I let one of my family members disregard my rules for my children because she didn't see the point in them my kids would never be in car seats/seat belts. My oldest no longer rides in the church van because the youth minister disregarded my rule (and the law!) requiring my child to wear a seatbelt. But I suppose if the youth minister thinks it is 'silly' I should just let him ignore my authority as a parent no matter what the risk to my child's life. Sad.
10 :
While your child is non-verbal, your very restrictive rule may have some merit. However, now that she is 5 years of age, you need to teach her about uncomfortable touch and her right to be comfortable, even around adults. An uncle who is an offender would not offend as you are imagining it. He would be predatory and careful, and test the waters, extending the boundaries by just a little bit. So your daughter would be made to feel just a little bit more weird every time, and he would work very hard to normalize it. If she had no one to discuss it with and to process her feelings with, she would be in danger - and the fact that a parent continues to allow contact and doesn't stop it is a big green light for the predator. Sorry - I think your fears need to be better thought through, and you need to develop age appropriate protections. You may take her to elementary school and have a male teacher. I am not so worried about your in-laws (we all have our quirks, and at least yours is in defense of your daughter's safety, so nothing to be ashamed of), but I am worried about the message your daughter is getting when you have such intense fears of half of the population, and this is what would prompt me to ask you to take a closer look at what you are doing. I am not sure where you got your statistics, but I think the most common time for childhood trauma is more like 11 years of age, and that the stats include date rape as children start to leave the house on their own. 1 in 3 sounds way too high for a 5 year old.
11 :
If...you are raising your child in a climate of FEAR that she will become a, "statistic"- she WILL become a statistic! You are stunting her natural development, because of something you heard on the news- and fell for? If there were as many perverts out here as the news media tells us there are- children would NEVER LIVE to grow up!
12 :
I think you need to learn to trust your brother in law unless you KNOW he has a history of exploiting children.
13 :
1 in 3? Where did you get that stat from? It's not correct. Suck to be your family.
14 :
I agree with Ista too. You can't protect her from everyone. Your MIL was probably very insulted that you would assume her son was a child molester. I have a good friend whose sister was molested by a family member and she is very, very protective of her daughter. When she and the dad split up, she would insist that only he change her diapers and not even his girlfriend could do it. She was almost over the top with some of her demands. There was a time a few years ago when my friend and her daughter were at our house. We were outside chatting and my husband wanted to show the girl a bike that was in our basement. My friend freaked out and went down there to see "what was going on." I was offended by that, her thinking my husband, who she's known for years and has 2 kids of his own, would do something like that. But I knew how she was and that she couldn't really help it. Maybe your MIL is right, and it's a huge problem in the US, but not necessarily in Bulgaria. Every country has their own customs and way of dealing with family. She might not ever forgive you. In the future, let your daughter stay with them and don't freak out. That might be the only way to remedy the situation.
15 :
you could apologize if you mean it - if not, i'd just hold my head high and choose my words carefully. what are you going to do when your daughter goes to school? plays sports, has a coach? needs a tutor? youre going to make her crazy. i find it hard to believe you wont let her alone with your brother in law, but you let her sleep in the same bed as your husbands parents? she can't sleep in yours, or in a sleeping bag? the whole thing is weird.
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